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About Varied / Hobbyist AnalyticaFemale/Belgium Groups :iconquantumlunatics: QuantumLunatics
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Deviant for 6 Years
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I'm not an easy person. I can describe myself as non-altruistic, egoistic (aren't those synonymous?), opportunistic, calculated, machiavellistic, bad tempered, usually depressed/depressive, logical and rational to the robotic side, insensitive and terribly tactless if I think you're acting stupid/sentimental.
I can hate someone with a murderous passion...

On the other hand, I can also love someone with the greatest passion (sometimes even while hating him), I go through fire for my friends and people I consider worth that effort, I am a great negotiator and diplomat, I'm openminded and I don't judge someone very quick.
so,get to know me. I may ask a lot from people, considering my personality, but I'm open to at least as much...

I am... the Cynic. The Sadist. The Star. The Observer. The Traumatised.
They're me. I'm them. Take it or leave it. You gotta like me in all my pieces.

:iconlunarctikle: is my twin brother. We are quantum-mechanically intertwined. Anything you do to him, you do to me... Hurt him... and I will reduce you to... nothing. When it comes to hurting my insane twin... you're in the kernel of my linear map...

:iconbotanikern: is the guy I would hug so tight the Planck space wouldn't fit between us anymore. If you ever even consider being mean to him, think of the complex knots in your topology book. That's how your limbs will look like then.

Current Residence: Belgium
Favourite genre of music: Techno, metal, mainstream things like Lady Gaga, Experimental music,...
Personal Quote: "what we observe is not nature, but nature exposed to our method of questioning."
Given that I'm a diagnosed psychiatric patient, it's probably a bit late to realize this. (But then, schizophrenia and emotional trauma are absolutely not the same thing, so cut me some slack.)

As a child I was bullied rather fiercely. However, as soon as I started taking care of my appearance and stopped acting like a socially inept moron, it ended. By the time I was 16, the bullying stage was behind me, as was most of the social awkward. Knowing that there are people who experience the worst bullying around this age, I didn't have the worst lot by far.
I never felt suicidal because of bullying. I never cut or hurt myself because of it. I didn't develop my -largely genetic- personality disorder because of it. All in all, I kinda thought it was just a nasty phase in my life that had come and gone and left nothing but some shitty memories. 

Lately however, I've started thinking about a recurring thing. 
I don't cry easily. But some subjects, some conversations (if they're pushed and continued long enough) reduce me to tears. And it's always those memories that resurface then. Seven year old me in a circle of kids having her pigtails pulled and her home-made sweater spat on. Eight year old me on the last bench, the only one without a class neighbor because no one wanted to sit next to her. Ten year old me deeply humiliated by a "tell her the popular kid is in love with her" plot. Twelve year old me being called a "hairy ape" and "a flat board bitch" and not getting the sex-related jokes because she was dumb and sheltered. I could continue. 
They're not terrible things, they're not even really bad. What they did to me were just those tiny little cruel things kids do to the "weird kid". And rationally, I'm so over that shit. My life may not be perfect, but right now, this stuff is no longer an issue to me. 
But when I get pushed hard enough, emotionally, I just crack. 

It's stupid. It's not something to be traumatized about. I always pictured trauma was about something actually bad. You know, like losing your family in a fire, or getting locked up in a basement for years, or having been a prisoner of war. Things like that. Actually Bad Things. Not playground scuffles and small day-to-day humiliations. 
But apparently, my dumb brain has decided that being spat on as a seven-y-o was a defining moment in my life that needs to be flashed back to whenever I get emotional. And I'm an adult woman, but in those moments I feel just as helpless and broken as I did then. Which is completely ridiculous, but there you have it.

I don't know enough about trauma to diagnose myself, but seeing how this is a recurring thing, I might actually have an issue there. Ideas? 
  • Listening to: Nightfall in Middle-Earth
  • Reading: Fanfics...


Arwen Bookmark by QuantumPhysica
Arwen Bookmark
Browsing Pinterest, I came across this embroidery design, taken from the dress Arwen wears when she's escaping from the Nazgûl with Frodo. I added a pic from the LOTR costume exhibit, you can see the design on the sleeve if you squint. It isn't visible in the movie for all I know, but I loved it so I made a bookmark of it. 

The embroidery isn't perfect (mostly due to me having freehanded the design in pencil, which started to fade halfway through the embroidering) but I still think it looks pretty awesome! 
Evenstar Bookmark by QuantumPhysica
Evenstar Bookmark
I had fabric scraps, and I wanted to work on my embroidery skills some more. So, I hereby present: a bookmark with Arwen's Evenstar design, embroidered in silver metallic thread… 

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fish-in-fridge Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Free Birthday Icon Super Fantastic Golden Platter Cake 3DKao Emoji-16 (Happy Birthday) [V1] Cake  Happy Birthday Godliek :D birthday cake Happy Birthday Godliek :DCake Kao Emoji-16 (Happy Birthday) [V1]  Super Fantastic Golden Platter Cake 3D Happy Birthday Xak 
FractalMonster Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2015
:wave: :iconbouquetplz: :iconcakeplz: :iconhappybirthdaysignplz: :iconquantumphysica: :iconhappybirthdaysignplz: :iconcakeplz: :iconbouquetplz: :wave:
daeien Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2015
Happy Birthday! :D :party: :cake: :party: :D
Super-Navi Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for the llama!!
0torno Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2015  Student General Artist
Thanks for the favs :D
QuantumPhysica Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome! You have many beautiful works, I especially like the very atmospheric, shadowed ones. They're lovely! ^_^
0torno Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2015  Student General Artist
Aww, thanks so much <3
nattrozanska Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2015  Professional Writer
Thanks so much for the fave
QuantumPhysica Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome! ^^
RyouandBakura Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you so much for the Llama! ^v^
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