literature

Conversations II: pondering on suicide

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Literature Text

Conversations

I found myself… wondering about suicide today. In a rather strange manner, I somehow started thinking about it, and I did some research –as I always do- and I suddenly realized what it was that was so strange about it. I have always been one of those people who hang on to life, not because they consider that life particularly valuable, but because they're freaking scared to die. Not really courageous, but when it comes to depression, it helps. Today I evaluated myself, and came to the conclusion… that I'm no longer scared to die. I wouldn't even mind dying anymore. Isn't that weird?

Are you seriously considering suicide?

I wouldn't know. I just think it has become one of the options… I stood in the kitchen, making toast, and I had this rather large kitchen knife, and I had this… urge to test if I could cut myself with it.  Bizarrely Emo, no?

Yeah, you can say that. Have you ever thought about how stupid it looks to kill yourself in this stage of your life? I mean… apart from the fact it's incredibly cliché, as is cutting yourself, you haven't reached any goal at all in your life. If you would die now, you would be forgotten; no one would even remember your name, let alone the person you were. That's not how you want to go, right?

You could always make your death memorable.

Shut up, I would never do such a thing! I told you, I don't really… feel the need to die. Everything that shuts down my brain and relieves me of the problems that I have would do. I'm so tired… Tired of it all… And I feel like it's getting out of hand and it's slipping away like loose sand between my fingers…

Chemicals. Simply chemicals. Control yourself, and remember it's all chemical! You don't want this; it's the chemistry that speaks!

You know, it would be really hypocrite to tell other people suicide is no option and then proceed to kill yourself. Just saying.

Not helping. Really.

You lack time. You lack space. You are tired. You feel confined and the expectations of people you like weigh heavy on your shoulders. You think you're not going to make it, and dying would be better than failing. It's not. Believe me.

You don't understand. Dying IS better than failing. Failing would imply… it would be more devastating than death. It would condemn me to living a half life, I would be nothing more than a breathing corpse.  I would literally fall apart; all certainty that I held onto would have disappeared. I am only human. I need something… something… to keep it all together…

You're just too scared to live. Living is hard. Living is serious business. Dying is giving up. What would you write on your suicide note? I killed myself because I couldn't handle the thought of failing my exams?  Hello?  Anyone ever thought about the very bad stuff that happens all around the world? All the time? People cope with that! Then give me a good, legitimate reason for you to kill yourself. You're not in pain. You're not in a wartime situation. You're not terminally ill. You haven't lost your loved ones or relatives. You're not hated by everyone and everything. You haven't committed a murder, nor did something else that would make you being dead a situation preferable over you being alive. WHAT IS YOUR REASON?

How many times do I need to repeat: I'm not suicidal as in "every open window asks me to leap through it". I just consider suicide an option. That's all.

You didn't answer the question. What is your reason?  

I'm tired. I'm dead tired. Not (only) physical, but psychical. I can't take any more stress. I just want all responsibilities and expectations to fade away. I want to sleep. I don't care if I ever wake up again. The one I love is leaving me. The one thing my whole life was based on is crumbling like a bad foundation. I have no other desire than to sleep. Forever.

And what about the people you love? And don't you think life is… in a way still beautiful?

Yes, and that is the weirdest thing. I still think life is beautiful. I can look outside and see the sun shine on my lawn and I can feel happiness because it looks nice and the colours are vivid and beautiful. I can ride my bike and feel the wind and like it because it's cold and it clears my head for a while. I can make my family omelettes and enjoy the fact they eat and like them. It's not how I think depression feels. But with every beautiful, nice and enjoyable thing, comes also an excruciating pain that makes me want to smile and cry at the same time. Everything reminds me of my beloved… Everything. It's like having to live in a house where the walls are covered with photographs of a deceased lover. It's like a slap in the face… How dare I enjoy those things? How can I? They remind me of my failure… They remind me of how I let down the one I love…

The one you love hasn't died yet. Very ill, that is, but not dead. Instead of pondering on ways to kill yourself, you should be by the side of your beloved, supporting, helping, and trying to make the best out of it. Because that is what people who love each other do. Your beloved was by your side when you were ill… you said it yourself… it's the foundation on which you have built yourself a life… Return that favour.

How can I face him? How can I stand next to him? I am… what happened was my fault. And my fault only…

Your beloved still loves you. You're not scared of him… you're scared of your own failure. You can face him… but you can't face failure. So you rather stay away and hide yourself somewhere else…

Please… what should I do? I'm so confused right now… and very clear-headed at the same time. I would have thought it to be different. I thought it would be… grey. Like a cover over things… But it's not. It's as if everything is brighter, to make the contrast with my petrified soul even larger… I'm so scared… I just want it to stop… no matter what…
Conversations... again...

I didn't want to post this in a journal, because it always annoys myself when confused people post these alarming "I'm gonna kill myself" messages in their journal. It's much more complicated than that. Much, much more complicated.
I do not wish to alarm anyone... I'm just... posting my thoughts. I need to clear my head... usually this helps... It didn't, this time... I can use some consolation... Don't go all freaking out. It's just... thoughts.
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Lilo1990's avatar
ai ai ... ik heb net een week uitleg gekregen over 'geestelijke gezondheidszorg >.<

Maar kom, als ik terug kijk naar een 2tal jaar geleden, had ik ook een 'depressie' (het werd niet vastgesteld door de arts, maar ik wist van mijzelf dat mijn manier van denken niet meer normaal was). Wat er maar ook gebeurde, het liep slecht af: op een bepaald moment kwamen alle prikkels samen, en werd het ook teveel voor mij. ik kreeg toen wel geen zelfmoordgedachtes, maar ik had letterlijk alles omgezet in tranen: tijdens een gesprek met mijn studieloopbaanbegeleidster kon ik niet meer, ik wist niet meer wat k deed, wat ik moest doen, ... dus ik gooide alles maar op haar af. En toen - raar maar waar - was een groot last weg van mijn schouders. dus ja, ik heb een nieuwe manier van verwerken ontdekt dat bij mij de last op mijn schouders verlicht, namelijk erover praten (maar ja: als je dat 2 keer in je leven hebt gedaan, en 2 keer daarbij telkens goed geblijt, tja, dan kan ik eerder zeggen dat ik er over moet huilen dan erover praten XD en dat doe ik ook.
Als je iets niet ziet zitten, moet je erover praten. En zo ga je op jouw manier het verwerken.
Ook ... tja dat was bij mij iets dat bij mij knaagde: ik had grote faalangst. Iedereen wist maar zker dat ik zou slagen, maar ik deed het niet, en ik zag door de druk geen kans meer op slagen, waardoor het erger werd. Wel, daar ben ik van afgestapt. Als ik het niet kan, kan ik het niet. Punt aan de lijn. En de commentaar van anderen, ... ik moet eerlijk zijn: ze raken me soms wel, maar die opmerkingen komen snel terecht in de prullenbak. Je moet doen waar je gelukkig van wordt. Das de boodschap! enmss klinkt dat onmogelijk: het is mogelijk!

ik ben blij dat ik toen wel mensen had die het niet erg vonden om even een uurtje te verdrinken in mijn tranen, want anders zou het met mij niet zijn goedgekomen...

maar ja, soms denk ik van: het leven is veel te kort, om er een rotzooi van te maken :(

ow jaa XD haha daarnet XD ikhoorde mijn vriendin iets zeggen, waar ik echt hard van moest lachen XD die zo tegen een vriend van haar: tis de laatste keer dat we nieuwjaar vieren, want in 2012 is het gedaan XD hahha ik moest daar echt hard om lachen XD en die voegde er nog aan toe: ja ze, dus wees maar goed voorbereid XD